hazy farewell
by automated detour
Summary: The reason why Frank Castle didn't commit suicide. (movie)


DISCLAIMER goes here and stuff.  
  
(this is about the flashback the Punisher had in the movie that prevented him from committing suicide in the end. it pertains to the events leading up to Maria and Frank's goodbye that day. some of the dialogue in the last part is from the movie novelization, so if you read the book you'll know what i'm talking about. warning: language and extreme quirkiness. i wrote this late at night. so i think it's pretty weird. and Punisher's not in it. shock.)  
  
notes: this takes place in 1991, so Castle is young and people still use payphones.  
  
hazy farewell  
  
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_I am one_, Castle thought to himself smiling, _lucky sonuvabitch_. Or at least that's how his friend Jimmy would have put it. He lifted his head to feel the wind on his face. It was warm out, but the humidity wasn't smothering on this particular summer day. He had the windows rolled all the way down on his father's 85 Toyota 2WD, which he was sort of borrowing while he was on leave, and the radio blasting something Alice in Chains. He eased off on the breaks just a tad, not that he was worried about getting a ticket or anything. He was still in his early twenties, still had the naive belief that he was virtually indestructible, and he was about to be shipped off to the warfront in Kuwait in just a few days. So that being, trivial matters such as speeding tickets were the least of his worries at the moment. He just didn't want the Chinese takeout box to slam into the windshield and render all the goods squished and inedible. Because that would suck. And he had been starving since he had come up with the notion of bringing home takeout, a little surprise for the cute blonde waiting at home for him whom he had no trouble making the adjustment of referral from "girlfriend" to wife. It was their first summer together as a married couple and they had been excited. But not until a few days ago, he had sensed that she had been uneasy about something. Not just the fact that he was going away, that would be an automatic given. But something else he couldn't really place. He supposed it was just the beginning of a premeditated homesickness. It was going to be a long tour, not to mention trying and a pain in the ass. He was going to miss her like crazy. He glanced at the box of chocolates and the flowers at the foot of the passenger. If there was anything life shattering he had learned while growing up in his Italian based household and family get-togethers was the belief that to give a person food was to show them that you really loved them. And Frank wasn't about to doubt the old adage.  
  
He parked the Toyota to the right of the little condo they were renting for the summer and frowned. Maria's car was missing from the parking lot. She must've gone out. Frank's spirits dropped several notches then. He had been looking forward to spending the rest of the day with her. Earlier that morning he had to run a few errands for his old man and follow up on the cars he'd promised his dad's associates he'd fix. Damn. He thought forlornly. And something occurred to Frank then. Something from a few months back when he was hanging out with Jimmy Weeks in his dorm on the base.  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"You should get a cell phone, Frank," his friend had said, "these things are the shit."  
  
"I hate following the fucking in-crowd." he'd replied, "You see those damned things on TV all the time. Like on one of those primetime programs with the queer thirty year old guy that's still in high school and that every woman seems to have the hots for."  
  
Jimmy snickered. "I forgot you was a farm-boy. But seriously, these things are convenient. You can call up your girl anytime if you start to miss her and go 'Yo. Sup, bitch.'"  
  
"What the fuck? I'm not into your ebonics, Jimmy."  
  
"I was kidding, you moron. You should get out more. Or watch some of that MTV. But yeah. Seriously, I find cell phones to be a high priority that benefit the social facet of this quickly growing modern era of technology."  
  
"Heh. Smart ass."  
  
"And you know we're only swearing cause our mamas ain't here."  
  
"Dude, my mom would come and kick the shit out of me if she found out. "  
  
"Woo. I'd pay to see that." Weeks said.  
  
"Ah &#." Frank's expression went from calm to troubled.  
  
Weeks looked in the direction Frank was staring and scrambled out of his sitting position. "Shit, man! NO! This can't happen! Jump! JUMP!!"  
  
Castle sat up and banged the controls rapidly, but to no avail. "&# man!" There was a comical "boing-boing" sound effect before the screen went dark with the dreaded "GAME OVER" title followed by the notoriously synthesized Nintendo track.  
  
"Mario wouldn't jump." Frank claimed.  
  
"Man, that's pathetic. We were on the last level. What's so danged hard about jumping over a fucking goomba?"  
  
"Why don't you play that &$ing level next time instead of handing the controls over to me like a $# pansy then," Frank offered.  
  
"How do you do that?" Jimmy asked  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Well two things. First, how could you die on the last level of Super Mario Brothers? And second, how do you go censoring yourself after our whole discussion about cell phones and abstained parental discretion? That's just wrong."  
  
"Because we're dealing with a video game here. Excessive swearing can make one sound deficient after a while. And Mario sucks anyway. I always liked Luigi better."  
  
"Ahhh, I see. So we're done being assholes now."  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Okay, but everyone knows Luigi is Mario's ambiguously straight brother who's always a step behind Mario because he doesn't own a cell phone. That's why his shorter brother always ends up getting to the Princess first you know."  
  
"Fuck you."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Frank was mentally kicking himself at the moment. A cell phone would have been nice to have right about now. Him and his stupid antipodean beliefs, he supposed he'd have to get one eventually. One just couldn't be a social dissenter all their life. He placed the box of chocolates and the bouquet of flowers on top of the takeout and slid it off the passenger's seat, tapping the door closed with his boot. He could keep the food warm until Maria got home. As he walked to the front door he could see a piece of paper sticking out of the door jamb, half in and half out. It was folded and he could make out the phrase "From the desk of Mrs. Castle" in fancy script letters inside the flap from underneath the sunlight. It was the paper she had ordered for sending home notes to her third grade students. He smiled as he turned the key in the door to get the letter.  
  
_Hi, honey. Anna called and seemed a little distraught about a personal issue. I'm just going over to see how she's doing and maybe take her out to cheer her up or something. I'll be back around six or seven. I made you a cheeseburger and home fries and they should be in the plate with the flower design to your right when you open the fridge. If you get hungry for desert, there's a brownie in the freezer and a carton of vanilla ice cream buried underneath the frozen vegetables. Love you! - xoxo!!_  
  
Frank put the letter in his back pocket and took the takeout in. Anna Hayden was Maria's best friend from childhood. She had been the bride's maid at their wedding, a nice little chubby woman. He hoped everything was going well for her. As he entered the house he was blitzed by a one hundred and fifty pound mountain of fur.  
  
"Hey, Buck!" Castle kneeled on one knee and rubbed his dog's head affectionately. Buck was a half Labrador, half German Shepherd mutt that Frank had raised from a puppy. He remembered the day they were making wedding arrangements Maria had told him that Buck would make a "lovely" addition to the household, much to Frank's pleasant surprise.  
  
He glanced at his watch then. It was one o'clock now. He'd have enough time to eat what Maria made him, raid the freezer for the brownie and ice cream, warm the Chinese food again, set the table, and still be hungry by the time she got home. That was good enough for him. "How 'bout you, Buck? You hungry? Wait." He hesitated. "Did you go to the bathroom yet?" The dog gave two clipped barks in return. "Yeah, I thought so."  
  
----------------  
  
They had been hanging around the small specialty shops on the other side of town since morning. Anna had called her friend up around ten, her voice full of tears while pouring out the memoirs of a nasty breakup. Maria had offered to take her out to lunch, a traditional friendship code of honor they had always used when they were still in grammar school. If either one of them was feeling down, the untroubled friend would find an escape route for the other, away from the source to talk their issues through. A purely girlish practice, but one of the few things Maria kept intact from her childhood.  
  
Now she sat drinking her tea under the distinctive blue lights of the snug café, idly sifting through the box of chocolate truffles. Her dark haired friend on the other side of the booth stirred her latte lightly.  
  
"Earth to M. Come in, M! Yoo-hoo!"  
  
Maria snapped out of her daze. "Oh! I'm sorry Annie," she shook her head. "I'm kind of out of it today." she laughs it off.  
  
"Are you okay honey?" her friend reached over for a napkin. "I've been blabbing on for the last five minutes and I didn't even think to ask you," she smiled in apology, raising an inquiring brow. "Something on your mind?"  
  
"A lot of things." Maria replied, rolling her eyes for emphasis. "But it's okay. What were you saying?"  
  
"It's Frank, isn't it?" her friend continued, forgetting about her own problems. "Oh my god! You're pregnant!" Anna squealed with delight. "That hubby of yours doesn't waste time, does he?"  
  
"Holy crap, Anna! No! It's not that!" Maria couldn't keep the expression of amusement off her face. "Um...no. That hasn't happened. Yet."  
  
"Then talk to me Maria. I feel like I'm pulling teeth here."  
  
"It's just...you know, he's going to be in the war, Operation Desert Storm. The name's even scary. I mean, my god. What happens if...God..." she bit her lip. "What happens if ...I don't know. It scares me. I don't know what I'd do."  
  
"It'll be okay, hon. Frank's a tough guy. He's going to make it. I mean, you can't do that to yourself. It'll make you sick. You gotta have faith in him."  
  
"I do. I know. But there's been a lot of things on my mind lately."  
  
"Have you talked to Frank about it?"  
  
"Well, no..." Maria started.  
  
"Well, duh! There's one of your problems right there. You married the guy for a reason."  
  
Maria shook her head. Her friend didn't get it. It was a personal issue. Extremely personal. She didn't really feel like spelling it out too much. She had managed to touch the tip of the iceberg when speaking about it, but never went into this particular subject further with Frank because of the bad memories that would probably get regurgitated. But sometimes events were impossible to keep inside without dying a little.  
  
"It has something to do with my childhood and my parents. You know how great Frank's parents are. I've been keeping it in for a while, which I know is really stupid. But I'm afraid if I told him, he'd...um...he'd leave me."  
  
Anna blinked and gave her friend an expression that could only mean 'what the fuck?'  
  
"Geez, Maria! Are you kidding me?!" the brunette sputtered. "That is just...BEYOND ..." she pauses searching for a word "just beyond STUPID!"  
  
"Relax, Ann..."  
  
"Are you serious, M??" Anna lowered her voice. "I can't believe you. All these years, we've been friends and you didn't even tell ME. I knew your mom was a drunken lowlife and she was overly belligerent to you a few times, but now you're telling me there's more!? Why are thinking of this now? Is there something else you're not telling me??"  
  
"No! I mean... I shouldn't have brought this up. It's just been on my mind because Frank's going away and it just kind of made me put a lot of things into perspective. Made me appreciate what I have now. And how I don't want to lose it. You're right. It's dumb. Let's continue on."  
  
"Do you want to talk about it? Is it really that bad that if you told Frank he'd run off screaming to get an annulment?"  
  
"It's okay. We don't have to talk about it. I guess I'm just being overly emotional and...stupid. I'm just worried about him and all this stuff is coming up because I don't know what I'd do if something happened. Just frivolous stuff like that. And no. I don't think he'd run off screaming like a chicken with its head cut off." Maria said and couldn't help but laugh at the mental image. (Maybe.)  
  
"Hon, I'm not stupid." Anna spoke with a raised brow "And I know you're just saying this to shut me up so I don't press the issue, but you better talk to him about whatever's on your mind. You've got a great husband. More guys should be like him. And I wouldn't be telling you this if he were really an asshole because believe me, I'd tell you if he was!"  
  
"I believe you, Ann. I will talk to him. Really. Girl Scout's Honor." she managed a wan smile.  
  
"That's a good girl. Let's get you home now so you can."  
  
"Hey. This was supposed to be a remedial for you. Not me." they exchanged a giggle. "First thing's first though, A. There's something I have to get before we head back."  
  
-----------------  
  
4:00. Being the trained Marine that he was, Frank found that no matter where he turned there was always a vital decision to be made; one that required efficient but competent executions. Regardless of how you felt or what shape you were in, every single judgment would determine an immediate consequence. Right or wrong. Life or death.  
  
Regular or crunchy. Frank frowned as he examined the two foiled chocolate bars he had at hand. Somehow the brownie and ice cream just didn't hold him over. From behind him, Buck barked.  
  
"Yeah, I know I'm taking way too long on this one. I'll tell you what though. You don't tell my drill sergeant and I'll forget all about the mess you made on the TV guide a few hours ago."  
  
Buck lied on the tiled kitchen floor and put his head down in defeat.  
  
----------------  
  
It started raining. Hard. Maria ran out of her car and over to the payphone. It offered little shelter and she squeezed in the best she could. It was a little after seven. She was feeling a little better since talking to her friend, but she decided not to bombard Frank with her silly worries and declarations of concern and personal sentiments she had with him going off to war. She felt it was really the last thing he needed to hear and she didn't want to stress him out. And she finally got a ring tone after re-inserting her quarters for the seventh time.  
  
"Hello?" came the familiar voice.  
  
"Frank, hey!"  
  
"Maria, hi!"  
  
She giggled. "I'm just calling to tell you I'll be home soon and if you're up for pizza because I can pick it up on the way."  
  
"Well actually I brought home Chinese food, if you don't mind it being re-heated."  
  
"Aw, that was sweet of you. I don't mind at all, honey. So, I'll come right home then."  
  
"You better." he said. "Or I'll have to eat it all myself then." There was an ear splitting crack of thunder then. "Maria?"  
  
"Woo! I'm here, Frank. Did you hear that? Wow! Sounds like an explosion!"  
  
"Yeah. You better get off. Need me to pick you up?" Frank paused and blinked. "Wait, forget I said that. You have your car. But the offer is still there. In spirit." he knocked on his forehead a few times.  
  
"Okay, silly. I'm gonna go. Ann's waiting for me. I'll be home in a jiff. Tell Buck I love him."  
  
"He says he loves you too."  
  
-----------------  
  
Maria couldn't believe how fast the days flew by. She whole-heartedly wished she had the means to turn back time. God. How pathetic she felt. She had been immersed in a little gray cloud all morning, too edgy to drink coffee. It hurt to see him go.  
  
Frank had held her hand all the way to MEPS, driving with one hand on the wheel. The radio was silent for the most part, not blasting something heavy metal on this particular day and no words were exchanged between them.  
  
He was in his uniform, clean cut to the max and fully focused. Maria noticed he seemed like an entirely different person, the Marine beret only added to his intensity. Her hands were sweaty and he gave her hand an affectionate squeeze to let her know everything was okay.  
  
The car came to a stop and her heart started pounding. They released hands to get out of the car and Maria thought, Okay, this is it. But Frank came up beside her again and slipped his hand into hers once more.  
  
Maria felt her heart leap into her throat. Time was wearing thin and she wanted to say so many things to her husband, but everything was so jumbled she didn't know what to say first or how to say it. _Frank, I'll miss you, I don't know what I'd do without you. Frank, I wish you weren't going. Please don't die. Frank take care, Please Frank, I'll miss you so much.._  
  
"Yo! Castle!" her thoughts were interrupted by another voice. An impossibly muscular man jogged up to Frank and gave him a playful punch on the shoulder followed by a handshake. His nametag read "Sherman". She wasn't familiar with this one.  
  
Frank let go of Maria's hand to shake Sherman's and then turned to introduce him. He was a staff sergeant. "ah...the wifey. Pleased to meet you. I'll leave you two alone now." Sherman shook her hand and punched Frank one last time. "Be sure to save those bad ass firing skills 'til we get to Kuwait."  
  
"Got it."  
  
"Kuwait?" Maria asked after Sherman left. "I don't even know where that is."  
  
"A long way from here." Castle replied as they walked over to the dock to wait with the other shippers and their families. "A long way from you."  
  
Maria grabbed his hand then and squeezed it between hers. "Frank. You take care. If anything happens to you—"  
  
He gently placed his index finger on her lips. "Shhh."  
  
But she wouldn't be silenced. She shook her head. "If anything happens to you, I'll kill myself." And she meant it too.  
  
Castle placed both his hands firmly but gently on her shoulders, looked into her eyes and shook his head adamantly. He shook his head so forcefully Maria almost thought he was kidding. "_Never say that_. **Never**." his blue-green eyes were clear and piercing. "If I die, you go on and have a great life. _You promise_?"  
  
"I couldn't." Maria broke down. She couldn't help it. Damnit she was crying. She had promised herself she'd be strong for him. "I couldn't forget you."  
  
He placed his palm on her cheek then, brushing away the long wispy bangs in front of her eyes to wipe her tears. "Don't." he said. "Never forget me. But live. You promise? Live."  
  
She smiled then. "Okay. On one condition."  
  
"No conditions." he said firmly.  
  
"One condition." she said again and sniffed. "You promise the same."  
He nodded. "Okay. I promise."  
  
She looked up suddenly as if she had forgotten something. "Oh! I have something for you.." She shifted her weight to get to her purse. She unzipped the front and pulled out a small rectangular royal blue velvet box. "I was waiting until today to give this to you." she placed it into his open palm. "I bought it when I was out with Anna the other day. It was in the window display shelf and it caught my attention. I think it suits you."  
  
He lifted the top open. There was a miniature gold chain attached to a small circular pendant. Inside the pendant was a ruby fire design surrounded by the gold. "A flame?" he smiled.  
  
"It's a phoenix flame. They're supposed to be paragons of unsurpassed excellence and perpetuity." she told him. "It means you're a marvelous person."  
  
"Thank you." He hugged her tightly and looked over her shoulder as the commotion rose. His ride was here. It was time to go. But something had been bothering him.  
  
"Are you okay?" he touched her cheek again.  
  
"Now I am." she told him with a smile.  
  
He wasn't exactly sure what kind of response he had been expecting a moment ago. He undid the clasp calmly and slid the chain around his neck, which quickly found its place among his ID tags. He found her lips and kissed her one last time, holding onto her hand as long as he could.  
  
"You're my hero, Frank Castle." Maria declared with conviction as he had to pull away. He waved to her as the ship departed and she stood at the edge of the dock waving back, tears welling up in her eyes. She stood there for as long as she could until they were each a hazy memory.  
  
fin.


End file.
